Glory of the Beard

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Picture him: a young boy, looking at his lego collection; his father just bought him a new set, which includes the bearded-faced, eye-patched, toboggan-wearing captain. Yes, it seems like it would mean nothing, but, lo, it means the world to that young boy.

From then on out, as he plays with his legos, he is acting out the manliest of manly men who sails his lego ship that captures other lego villages, yet saves the day as he pummels through weak yellow lego villains. This figurine becomes a hero in the young boy’s mind. Rugged, tough, mysterious, yet a true and just hero – with a side of wild villainy – this encompasses a really awesome manly man.

Many young men still aspire for such qualities, or at least they hope to be viewed similar to a bearded-faced, eye-patched, toboggan-wearing man. Let us be real, many men will end up writing out excel sheets, or pitching sales plans, or developing business relations on a golf course – none of which are very manly, but they honestly sound rather defeating.

There is nothing inherently wrong with excel sheets or any such vocations, but we men, we need to feel manly, and we need to look in the mirror and see a freaking action hero that has a beard looking back at them before a business meeting: it is inspiring, it is enlivening.

Truth bomb: if you have to sit through a meeting, you might as well be the guy with the beard whom everyone is a little intimidated by, the guy that everyone is a little unsure of, yet they all feel a little bit more safe in the meeting because your beard announces, “Hey, I can enforce justice.”

Perhaps you are walking onto the golf course to hopefully win over a future buyer for your company; you have your beard on at full mast – it is go time. That buyer no longer stands a chance; you command his attention. Your beard, if nicely trimmed, speaks “I am organized; I can handle your requests.” Your beard also says, “If you do not buy from me, I can hurt you a lot.” Buyer won over.

Some women look at a man with a beard and see a strong yet mild lumberjack, while others see uncleanliness, looking at the bearded man with disgust. Listen, woman, if you want a sleek, baby-faced male, go check out the diaper aisle. If I were a lady, which clearly I am not, but, if I were, I would choose Chuck Norris over Edward Cullen, or Harry Potter, or Justin Bieber.

Beards add qualities that people actually do not know whether or not a man has. They take time to grow, which insinuates to many that perhaps this man has taken time to work on his personal character.

This can be helpful for some men, although, if you are growing a beard, take a good look at yourself while you grow it. All of you prospective-beard-growers ought to ask, “Am I worthy of the beard? Do I agree with what my beard says I am?” Think about it.

So if you are the reformed Christian man tweeting out ridiculous amounts of quotes by preachers, grow a beard Spurgeon would smile upon. Perhaps you are the hard-working athlete; grow a beard that James Hardin would tremble at. Whatever you are, grow a beard that will outsmart your competition, plunder your foes, woo your love, and gain your best of friends.

– Michael McGee, Contributing Writer

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